Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Day 3

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to update yesterday. I had a little scary with my son but all is well. Today, he was a little crabby because he is getting a couple of teeth.

I'm proud of myself because I gone 2 nights without binging before bed. I also haven't gotten up during the middle of the night to eat either. I'm trying to take baby steps to thing rolling on my weight loss. I have to decide if I'm going to either count calorie with sparkspeople or do weight watchers points. I have had some success on both so I don't know what I will do yet. I started to read the book Half-assed and I'm hoping that it will help motivate me.

I have always dreamed that will be thin, happy and very loved. I should know that I'm loved but I still have doubts. Will I ever be healthy and happy? I hope so!!

All my family lives in South Dakota which is an 8 to 8 1/2 hr drive from here. Some day I wish I lived closer to my family and other that I'm glad I don't. If I lived closer I would have a bigger support group for me which would help a lot. I would be able to go to the health club to work because I would have someone to babysit my children. My husband is currently working a lot of overtime because he training from maintenance. So his hours vary between all shifts. Another with being closer to my family would be the increased stress. I have three sisters who always made fun of me about my weight and thought they were better than me. So I would always worry about what they will say or what they are thinking. Two of my sister have put on a some extra weight but they don't seem to mind it. I think they still believe they are thin and better than me. I try not to care but it still hurts.

My husband tries to support me with trying to get healthier but he doesn't alway understand what I'm going through. He is a little bit overweight but he not worried about at all. He tells me "I love you just the way you are and I don't care what you weigh." I have a hard time believing him because how can he love me when I can even love myself! He doesn't seem to realize that when he sit down in front of me eating some dessert, candy or ice cream that he is temping me to eat it too.   I also way seem to give into temptation!! Then he will say "I thought you were dieting." It always seem to hurt after his comment and he doesn't realize what he has done. I have to forgive him because I love him.

My children can be really stressful! I have twin 7yr olds, 4yr old and a 1yr old.  So I'm really busy trying to keep them out of trouble or to get them to bed.  I seem to eat when I'm stress. Of course it could be because I'm an emotional eater.  They don't understand that their Mommy is trying to get healthier so we can always get snack foods. They are alway asking for candy, swiss cake rolls and ice cream.  Right now my children are not overweight but I really worry about it happening. I don't wish for them to have the life I did growing up. Children and adults can be very mean to overweight children. I remember getting call Grape Ape and alway getting pick last for games. I hate this part of my life.  Hopefully I can lose the weight so I can take them to the park and play with them. I want to be the best role model for them I can be so I need to successed!!!

I'm sure we all have had your own problems with making and keeping friends. I know growing up I some really good friends who are still friend but live very far away. I have a lot of good memories from spending time with them and they didn't care I was overweight. Since I'm overweight and a little shy I seem to have a problem finding friends. I have some trust issues and some of that come from my real father not spending time with me when I was growing up. I alway thought it was because I was overweight but he says it's because he gave up his right to me to so my stepfather could adopt me. He is trying to make amends but I can't totally trust him. I'm afaid of getting hurt!!

My closes friend around here is Candace. She just got divorce and has one child. She also has some weight issused and wants to lose the weight. I have try to help her by asked her if we could support each other.  We could exercised together and get together for weigh ins.  She says yes but never goes through with it.   If I try to call her to find out if she is comming over she either doesn't return my calls or says she can.  I hopefully she will change her mind and wants my support.  I understand she is scared she will fail.   I 'm scared also but I'm willing to try again.  What kind of life would we have if we don't take chances.

I know I need to work on my emotional eating and also my overeating.   I'm going to take it one day at a time and forgive myself for mistakes.  There will be a lot of ups and downs but I have to keep on going. I seem to totally give up when I make a mistake! I will be working on a lot if issuse and learning to reconized when I full.  Right now full to me is when I'm in pain and it has to change. I also need to learn to forgive and love myself so I can have a happy life.

Well I have to get my husband up for work and then go to bed myself.  I need to get use to getting up early again since school starts next Tues.


1 comment:

  1. April,
    I too have been you, I think alot of people can relate to most things you have written here...You have the want and you have the means you have YOU and that is all you need,becaus ein the end it will only be you who has done it and who you have done this for!! Yes if you had someone to go with you it would make it easier and fun, But you have blog world too, and we are always here, going through or have been through the same things you will be going three baby...but these changes you make now will better the rest of your life!!!
    always here,